A Jigsaw Puzzle

So I am kind of a nerd because I love to do jigsaw puzzles.  I like the challenge and though I don’t get to do them often, but when I do get a chance to tackle one I enjoy it.

 

I have been doing a lot of reflecting within and trying to know and ask the Lord what he has in store for Terrance in I in regards to children and the jigsaw puzzle came to mind.  There are lots of individual pieces that have to fit together just perfectly to make in the end a beautiful picture.  I envision me sitting at the Lord ’s Table working these pieces but without seeing the full picture of what the end will look like and just working the puzzle the way he guides me.  At times I wonder am I trying to force a piece together that doesn’t belong together or is that piece supposed to connect?

 

The Lord has given me peace all along this hard and long journey that he will bring beauty in the way of children and I am just working the pieces the best I know I am able.  I know one day when I look back and see how all those pieces had to go together first so that in the end we will his hand throughout the whole process.  He is a faithful God and Savior. 

 

Another thing I have learned in this puzzle is sometimes I try to “figure out” what the Lord’s plan is and sometimes it doesn’t work out the way I thought it should.  So I am learning and growing to know that he only gives us light for the step ahead and doesn’t want to overwhelm us with how we get the prize but just to trust him no matter what bad results or disappointments we get.

 

We are seeking right now prayers from our friends and family for guidance from the Lord.  I don’t want Terrance and Stephanie’s plan but what the Lord wants us to do.  His plan is much more beautiful than we can ever imagine.  We treasure your prayers and thank you all for being with us through these 5 long years.

 

God Bless,

Stephanie

 

Isaiah 55:9  “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My Ways higher than your way and My Thoughts than your thoughts. 

Faith of a Mustard Seed

Faith as a Christian is so easy to have when everything seems to be working out just the way we think we have planned out our life to be but the true test is when you are not in control and all your have is the Lord.  I am in that boat right now and let me just tell you sometimes it gets hard to breathe.  Throughout my life there have been trials with losing my dad at a young age to my mom working hard at being a single mom to all the other things in the middle but God never forsake me and my family and we came out on the other side.  How come now I start to fret, stress, and question how is my life plan going to work out the way I want it to? 

Life is hard!  Living in an imperfect Earth is hard!  Not knowing how you are going to become a Mom is even tougher.  I know men don’t understand this but as a young child you learn how to be a mother.  It has been so evident in seeing my sweet niece Ella mothering her brother Ethan that the Lord gives us a maternal extinct that no one can take away.  The Lord has given me this desire and as the years go by it gets stronger and stronger and after so many failed attempts at IUI’s, IVF, and embryo adoption it has come to look me straight in the eye that I am not in control and if I am going to become a mom only the Lord can do that. 

After lots of soul searching and prayer this year we have been to an adoption information meeting as well as decided to get a second opinion with another fertility doctor in our area.  I went in that meeting with the doctor with no hope because I felt that we had done everything under the sun and he will probably confirm that what we thought was we are done but he gave us a glimmer of hope.  We are following thru with a laparoscopy procedure on August 1^st and doing 3 rounds of IUI’s and at that point if a pregnancy doesn’t happen we will start the adoption process.  Emotionally I didn’t know if I was up for the possible disappointment but that is where the faith of a mustard seed comes in.  I want you all to help us in praying that this is the answer and that the Lord will bless us with a family that we so much desire to have.  All I know is when we have our children, and yes I did say children.  I know that will be the end result one day, I am not sure how but I have faith he will provide. I hope they see how having faith in the Lord is all you need not man nor doctors.  God is good and no matter what I believe his plan is greater than mine. 

Thank you all so much for your love and especially your prayers.

-Stephanie

He replied, "If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, 'Be uprooted and planted in the sea,' and it will obey you.

Matthew 17:20

 

Transparency

Do you ever feel that sometimes you just exist to just complete the next task on your list or to make it thru another day and you are having a hard time finding true joy in  your life?  Guilty!   Guilty!  Guilty!

Here recently the devil has been working on me telling me I’m not good enough because I’m not a mother and I catch myself feeling not necessary to my family, friends, etc.  I am sure I’m not the only person that has felt this way.  Acceptance is something we all want but we feel we have to prove our worth whether it be doing good deeds for others, posting on FB to make others think we are good, but are we truly showing who we really are or is it a pretend someone?  Why do we feel that we can’t be our true self in front of others?   Guilty!  Guilty!  Guilty!

Transparent is something that I want to be to people and for them to see the real me.  The true me who loves the Lord, but struggles with my walk at times, the true me who doesn’t have my house clean all the time, but I do try my best.  The true me likes to have fun but sometimes I take myself too seriously and plan everything to death.  The Lord loves us for the way we are not the women we think we need to be to make others accept us.  For me personally this has been the toughest year spiritually speaking and I have questioned God’s love so many times that I can’t count.  I have also been angry at him and questioned what I have done wrong and what am I supposed to do to earn this gift that some people take for granted!  I am learning so much about faith though and that it is what is getting me thru this trial.  I am learning how much he loves me and that I can’t earn his love or bargain with him for my dreams that I think I need right now when he knows the future.  He wants us just the way we are broken and unmolded and he wants to mold us for his plan not ours.   For me I keep going back to the Lord’s divine appointment and how my children, whichever way they come, are destined to be on this earth not too early or too late but God’s perfect timing.   

 All of us have tragedy and struggles and things the devils works on our hearts with.  I am speaking to myself and you all when I say this We Matter! You matter not only to me, but you matter to the Lord.  He wants us to realize how realize how important we are to building his kingdom.  After we become one of his children he wants us to witness his love to others and to be a light to the dark world that is unsaved.  We are here for such a bigger purpose. 

This new year I want this year to not be about my dreams of being a mother but about God’s plan and what role he wants me to play for his kingdom.  I also want to encourage you all to do the same and take the time to have that quiet time with him and build a deeper, closer walk with him.   Honestly our only true peace is thru him and his plans are bigger and better than what we can plan for our life.  My pastor is doing a sermon series on “The Journey” and how the Lord is constantly working all around us and he wants us to join him. The Lord will not force us to join him, but we have to be willing and aware of his presence and seek his wisdom with his perfect plan.  True spiritual satisfaction is what I desire for myself and with that I will be a better person, wife, sister, daughter, and friend.  Satisfaction found in the Lord is better than any satisfaction found on this wicked earth that is so temporary.

I love you all dearly and ask for your prayers that the Lord will fill my void with himself and believe with me that  he will one day provide us with a family that Terrance and I so desire to have.   

 

Learning to Wave the White Flag

In life we are taught to constantly fight no matter what and never give up but sometimes it gets very hard to do that when you are weak in body and spirit.  Tonight I have been listening to Chris Tomlin songs and the one about waving the white flag has been touching my heart this past few months and I am trying to do just that.  
Some of you may know that we went ahead and proceeded with invitro in January of this year and after 1 1/2 years of planning, and especially praying we had no doubts a miracle was about to happen and this was it for us.  When the doctor told us almost two years ago that we would only be able to get  pregnant was thru invitro I was devastated because where were we going to get the $10,000 it takes for the procedure.  Well the Lord provided in a miraculous way and our plans were to do invitro in January 2013.  We followed thru  and all of my doctors appointments went great we ended up with two grade "A" embryos and all was looking positive.  The day of reckoning came the day we did the blood work for the pregnancy test and I heard the words I have been waiting on for 4 years "You are pregnant" the problem is there was a "but", there wasn't supposed to be a "but".  The nurse proceeded to tell me my HCG levels were low and unfortunately there is no medicine you can take for that but they wanted to see me on that Monday for a followup and see if my levels increase.  That had to be the longest weekend of my life.  That day I started feeling pregnant with my taste buds changing which apparently happens during pregnancy.  I did nothing that whole weekend but pray and I had so many others praying that a miracle would happen.  I also thought a miracle was going to happen because why would the Lord bring me this far and take this away from me?  
Monday came and I got the news that my levels went negative and my two embryos were no more and my dream of being a mother this time has vanished.  

Life the past couple of months have been tough.  I have been thru lots of emotions angry, hurt, sad, helpless, I mostly felt abandoned and to be honest I felt like a cruel joke was being played on me.  I have cried so much that even today it seems tears are hard to come by and its been hard to learn how to pick myself up and learn to trust in the Lord's plan for our lives.  I have had several people tell me adoption is the answer but right now my heart isn't ready to sort thru that concept.  When you deal with infertility adoption is a much different mental process than it is if you have your own children that you birthed.  If that is what God wants for us he will have to be the one that places that on our hearts.  

I can't tell you how wonderful my husband has been during this very trying time but I am so thankful for him and the support he has given me thru this.  

As far as what's next I honestly can't tell you.  We haven't even met with the doctor yet to see what went wrong and if there is anything different that needs to be done next time if that is what we end up having to do.  Also where is the money going to come from and what if it doesn't work again?  So many questions and no answers.  I am asking for lots of prayers for us as we try to figure out the Lord's will and not ours.  For me spiritually I am trying to learn to raise my white flag to the Lord and give up my dreams for his and that is a hard thing to do when you want nothing more than to be a mother.  I know I am only 33 but the older you get the harder it is to have children.  So yes I am scared and without direction.  

I truly appreciate prayers during this time and especially clarity on what we are to do.  The Lord is the only that has the beautiful plan all figured out I just want to be a part of something beautiful for him and if this is my battle I want to be found faithful in that even though it gets tough and prayers don't come easy.  

God bless you all
~Steph

Believing in the YES thru the NO's

Well what a crazy past couple of months that I have been on.  Let me just say it has not been easy, but the Lord has sustained me and my faith is unwavering in the blessing he one day will provide for my husband and I.  Since I last journaled we have gone thru a failed IUI procedure and a lot of emotions surfaced once again.  If you ever have or ever known someone going thru this process of medical procedures to help aid in a pregnancy it is a very draining process.  You go in knowing that it is a 50/50 shot that you will become pregnant and you give it your best shot but for the most part you are hopeful and you pray this will be the time, this will be my miracle.  Well I went thru those long couple of weeks with that hope and throughout those couple of weeks I prayed and the Lord revealed scripture of hope/miracles, etc. and I was also in a lot of pain and I thought well this is it.  After my two week wait came the day of reckoning the day I find out the results to be negative and I was crushed.  I questioned the Lord leading me on to believe a lie? I asked him why he has forsaken me? I asked what have I done to deserve this? All the typical questions, then I got an email that day from an infertility support chain and it was talking about the Lord’s timing for your children how the Lord has ordained my children to play a special role in this world for a special time and how if it was too soon or too late his will would not be done.  Then I was like wow!  I don’t know the Lord’s plan for my children, but he does.  The writer of email was talking about how if John the Baptist was born in Sarah’s youth how he couldn’t present the Messiah the way he did.  I am not claiming my children will present the Messiah but it puts things of God’s timing in perspective.  I say this to tell you friends that don’t give up on the Lord if now is not “His Time”, by the way I am speaking to myself when I say these things, but keep the faith that you haven’t done anything wrong or he doesn’t love you less because your answer is not now.  Would I be the same person if I didn’t have gone thru this NO?  I have such a heart for hurting women that are going thru this and I hope my testimony of not giving up will encourage them to keep trusting in the Lord always.  I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have my Lord, Jesus comforting me, using others to speak verbal words that were ordained by him just when I needed it. 

My yes may not be today or tomorrow but it will be one day and I will rejoice in the miracle the Lord will bestow on my family.  I hope my children will know they are special to my husband and I and more importantly the Lord cause the devil sure wanted to discourage us when the world said it’s not possible. 

I am going to praise him now for what is ahead.

-AMEN-

Meet Fana

Meet Fana!  It is amazing to see how the Lord can work even though you have no clue until all of the pieces come together and it all makes perfect sense.  Sunday at our church, Northstar (which we love by the way) we had an organiztion introducing us to a ministry called Bethany Christian Services.  Their current push is to unite families in Knoxville, TN with children in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia.  At first I was thinking they were looking for people to start seeking adoption and at that point my mind was interested but my heart tells me to continue our steps in starting fertility treatments at this time.  There are lots of people I know that want nothing more than to adopt but my heart was never there and the Lord has never spoke to me about doing that.  The Lord though I think has different plans for the future. 

We heard the presentation and found out that they were looking for sponsorship for these children so they can have basis necessities like food, shelter, clothing, healthcare, education and most importantly be ministered thru this Christian Organization and learn about Jesus and how much he loves them.  The Lord started pricking my selfish heart and said that this is something he wants for our family to contribute to.  Well I never told Terrance I wanted to participate but I prayed and asked the Lord if this is something he wants for us he would move Terrance towards wanting to do this.  Immediately after the service without me saying a word Terrance went to the table and picked up this precious little girl, Fana.  We are so excited to be contributing to her and help her to have a future and for her to get to learn about Jesus as her Savior.  We are so excited to welcome her in our family and we can't wait to start interacting with her.  Even though we haven't met this cutie we can't stop thinking about her wondering what she is like, what she does on a daily basis, and what her life has been like.  We are praying for the Lord's protection on her life and pray that the Lord will use her. 

We will see where the Lord will lead us but all I can say is that he is good, faithful, and knows what is best always.  More updates will come on Fana when we hear from her. 

A couple of funny things Terrance says that her and I look alike because I have big hair too and that he could picture me taking her picture and telling her to show her teeth cause that is the way I am with pictures and I always fuss at him for that.  :)  Also it says on her info about her that she likes math, and wants to be a bank manager pointing out, "that's where all the money is" .  She sounds like Terrance.  :)  This little 8 year old has our heart already. 

To learn more about sponsorship or adoption you can check out bethany at www.bethanyonefamily.org/knoxville

God Bless~Stephanie

Peace

"Your name is a strong and mighty tower,
Your name is a shelter like no other,
Your name, let the nations sing it louder,
Cause nothing has the power to save,
But Your name"

I am here today about 1 1/2 months away from starting fertility treatments and for the most part I have the Lord's peace but the devil is wanting to play his part with my mind.  I would ask that my friends continue to lift us up in your prayers when you think of us because I know the Lord is up to something big and I don't want the devil to have any type of glory in making me question that. 
Today I was catching up on my daily devotionals and it was amazing the theme they all followed.

" I (the Lord) am involved in every moment of your life.  I have carefully mapped out every inch of your journey thru this day, even though much of it may feel haphazard I am in control."
Paraphrased from Psalm 18:30 and Isiah 41:13

"Relax in my healing, holy presence.  Be still, while I transform your heart and mind.  Let go of the cares and worries, so that you can receive my Peace." 
Paraphrased from Psalm 46:10 and 1 John 3:2


I think the Lord is trying to tell me something, ok Lord I will rest in you.

Also I would also ask for your prayers for a good friend of mine that is currently doing invitro, which I believe is for the final time and pray for the Lord's touch.  She desperatly wants children and the Lord knows her and her husband's heart. 

You know I never dreamed back when I first got married that this would be my journey.  I have always wanted children and I thought it would easy since everyone in my family has had no issues so naturally it should be easy for me.  Then when the doctor tells you otherwise I felt desperate because the only way it will happen is if the Lord intervenes and he may chose to use a doctor to assist or he may do it on his own.  You never know how you would feel or what you would do have unless you have experienced this for yourself  .  I have heard some criticize invitro or other methods of assisting in pregnancy but my feelings on this is the Lord allowed the doctors this knowledge and he is the ONLY ONE that can make it happen, a doctor can only do so much but the Lord is the one that breaths life in that child.  I see this as being no different than going to the doctor to help with an illness. 

I am firm believer in the Lord' s perfect plan and I am seeing it unfold and I am very excited but I know one thing this journey has caused me to be a different person.  A more compassionate person for other women and I pray the Lord continues to use me to minister for his glory.

~God Bless,
Stephanie