Transparency

Do you ever feel that sometimes you just exist to just complete the next task on your list or to make it thru another day and you are having a hard time finding true joy in  your life?  Guilty!   Guilty!  Guilty!

Here recently the devil has been working on me telling me I’m not good enough because I’m not a mother and I catch myself feeling not necessary to my family, friends, etc.  I am sure I’m not the only person that has felt this way.  Acceptance is something we all want but we feel we have to prove our worth whether it be doing good deeds for others, posting on FB to make others think we are good, but are we truly showing who we really are or is it a pretend someone?  Why do we feel that we can’t be our true self in front of others?   Guilty!  Guilty!  Guilty!

Transparent is something that I want to be to people and for them to see the real me.  The true me who loves the Lord, but struggles with my walk at times, the true me who doesn’t have my house clean all the time, but I do try my best.  The true me likes to have fun but sometimes I take myself too seriously and plan everything to death.  The Lord loves us for the way we are not the women we think we need to be to make others accept us.  For me personally this has been the toughest year spiritually speaking and I have questioned God’s love so many times that I can’t count.  I have also been angry at him and questioned what I have done wrong and what am I supposed to do to earn this gift that some people take for granted!  I am learning so much about faith though and that it is what is getting me thru this trial.  I am learning how much he loves me and that I can’t earn his love or bargain with him for my dreams that I think I need right now when he knows the future.  He wants us just the way we are broken and unmolded and he wants to mold us for his plan not ours.   For me I keep going back to the Lord’s divine appointment and how my children, whichever way they come, are destined to be on this earth not too early or too late but God’s perfect timing.   

 All of us have tragedy and struggles and things the devils works on our hearts with.  I am speaking to myself and you all when I say this We Matter! You matter not only to me, but you matter to the Lord.  He wants us to realize how realize how important we are to building his kingdom.  After we become one of his children he wants us to witness his love to others and to be a light to the dark world that is unsaved.  We are here for such a bigger purpose. 

This new year I want this year to not be about my dreams of being a mother but about God’s plan and what role he wants me to play for his kingdom.  I also want to encourage you all to do the same and take the time to have that quiet time with him and build a deeper, closer walk with him.   Honestly our only true peace is thru him and his plans are bigger and better than what we can plan for our life.  My pastor is doing a sermon series on “The Journey” and how the Lord is constantly working all around us and he wants us to join him. The Lord will not force us to join him, but we have to be willing and aware of his presence and seek his wisdom with his perfect plan.  True spiritual satisfaction is what I desire for myself and with that I will be a better person, wife, sister, daughter, and friend.  Satisfaction found in the Lord is better than any satisfaction found on this wicked earth that is so temporary.

I love you all dearly and ask for your prayers that the Lord will fill my void with himself and believe with me that  he will one day provide us with a family that Terrance and I so desire to have.   

 

Learning to Wave the White Flag

In life we are taught to constantly fight no matter what and never give up but sometimes it gets very hard to do that when you are weak in body and spirit.  Tonight I have been listening to Chris Tomlin songs and the one about waving the white flag has been touching my heart this past few months and I am trying to do just that.  
Some of you may know that we went ahead and proceeded with invitro in January of this year and after 1 1/2 years of planning, and especially praying we had no doubts a miracle was about to happen and this was it for us.  When the doctor told us almost two years ago that we would only be able to get  pregnant was thru invitro I was devastated because where were we going to get the $10,000 it takes for the procedure.  Well the Lord provided in a miraculous way and our plans were to do invitro in January 2013.  We followed thru  and all of my doctors appointments went great we ended up with two grade "A" embryos and all was looking positive.  The day of reckoning came the day we did the blood work for the pregnancy test and I heard the words I have been waiting on for 4 years "You are pregnant" the problem is there was a "but", there wasn't supposed to be a "but".  The nurse proceeded to tell me my HCG levels were low and unfortunately there is no medicine you can take for that but they wanted to see me on that Monday for a followup and see if my levels increase.  That had to be the longest weekend of my life.  That day I started feeling pregnant with my taste buds changing which apparently happens during pregnancy.  I did nothing that whole weekend but pray and I had so many others praying that a miracle would happen.  I also thought a miracle was going to happen because why would the Lord bring me this far and take this away from me?  
Monday came and I got the news that my levels went negative and my two embryos were no more and my dream of being a mother this time has vanished.  

Life the past couple of months have been tough.  I have been thru lots of emotions angry, hurt, sad, helpless, I mostly felt abandoned and to be honest I felt like a cruel joke was being played on me.  I have cried so much that even today it seems tears are hard to come by and its been hard to learn how to pick myself up and learn to trust in the Lord's plan for our lives.  I have had several people tell me adoption is the answer but right now my heart isn't ready to sort thru that concept.  When you deal with infertility adoption is a much different mental process than it is if you have your own children that you birthed.  If that is what God wants for us he will have to be the one that places that on our hearts.  

I can't tell you how wonderful my husband has been during this very trying time but I am so thankful for him and the support he has given me thru this.  

As far as what's next I honestly can't tell you.  We haven't even met with the doctor yet to see what went wrong and if there is anything different that needs to be done next time if that is what we end up having to do.  Also where is the money going to come from and what if it doesn't work again?  So many questions and no answers.  I am asking for lots of prayers for us as we try to figure out the Lord's will and not ours.  For me spiritually I am trying to learn to raise my white flag to the Lord and give up my dreams for his and that is a hard thing to do when you want nothing more than to be a mother.  I know I am only 33 but the older you get the harder it is to have children.  So yes I am scared and without direction.  

I truly appreciate prayers during this time and especially clarity on what we are to do.  The Lord is the only that has the beautiful plan all figured out I just want to be a part of something beautiful for him and if this is my battle I want to be found faithful in that even though it gets tough and prayers don't come easy.  

God bless you all
~Steph