In life we are taught to constantly fight no matter what and never give up but sometimes it gets very hard to do that when you are weak in body and spirit. Tonight I have been listening to Chris Tomlin songs and the one about waving the white flag has been touching my heart this past few months and I am trying to do just that.
Some of you may know that we went ahead and proceeded with invitro in January of this year and after 1 1/2 years of planning, and especially praying we had no doubts a miracle was about to happen and this was it for us. When the doctor told us almost two years ago that we would only be able to get pregnant was thru invitro I was devastated because where were we going to get the $10,000 it takes for the procedure. Well the Lord provided in a miraculous way and our plans were to do invitro in January 2013. We followed thru and all of my doctors appointments went great we ended up with two grade "A" embryos and all was looking positive. The day of reckoning came the day we did the blood work for the pregnancy test and I heard the words I have been waiting on for 4 years "You are pregnant" the problem is there was a "but", there wasn't supposed to be a "but". The nurse proceeded to tell me my HCG levels were low and unfortunately there is no medicine you can take for that but they wanted to see me on that Monday for a followup and see if my levels increase. That had to be the longest weekend of my life. That day I started feeling pregnant with my taste buds changing which apparently happens during pregnancy. I did nothing that whole weekend but pray and I had so many others praying that a miracle would happen. I also thought a miracle was going to happen because why would the Lord bring me this far and take this away from me?
Monday came and I got the news that my levels went negative and my two embryos were no more and my dream of being a mother this time has vanished.
Life the past couple of months have been tough. I have been thru lots of emotions angry, hurt, sad, helpless, I mostly felt abandoned and to be honest I felt like a cruel joke was being played on me. I have cried so much that even today it seems tears are hard to come by and its been hard to learn how to pick myself up and learn to trust in the Lord's plan for our lives. I have had several people tell me adoption is the answer but right now my heart isn't ready to sort thru that concept. When you deal with infertility adoption is a much different mental process than it is if you have your own children that you birthed. If that is what God wants for us he will have to be the one that places that on our hearts.
I can't tell you how wonderful my husband has been during this very trying time but I am so thankful for him and the support he has given me thru this.
As far as what's next I honestly can't tell you. We haven't even met with the doctor yet to see what went wrong and if there is anything different that needs to be done next time if that is what we end up having to do. Also where is the money going to come from and what if it doesn't work again? So many questions and no answers. I am asking for lots of prayers for us as we try to figure out the Lord's will and not ours. For me spiritually I am trying to learn to raise my white flag to the Lord and give up my dreams for his and that is a hard thing to do when you want nothing more than to be a mother. I know I am only 33 but the older you get the harder it is to have children. So yes I am scared and without direction.
I truly appreciate prayers during this time and especially clarity on what we are to do. The Lord is the only that has the beautiful plan all figured out I just want to be a part of something beautiful for him and if this is my battle I want to be found faithful in that even though it gets tough and prayers don't come easy.
God bless you all
~Steph
