Believing in the YES thru the NO's

Well what a crazy past couple of months that I have been on.  Let me just say it has not been easy, but the Lord has sustained me and my faith is unwavering in the blessing he one day will provide for my husband and I.  Since I last journaled we have gone thru a failed IUI procedure and a lot of emotions surfaced once again.  If you ever have or ever known someone going thru this process of medical procedures to help aid in a pregnancy it is a very draining process.  You go in knowing that it is a 50/50 shot that you will become pregnant and you give it your best shot but for the most part you are hopeful and you pray this will be the time, this will be my miracle.  Well I went thru those long couple of weeks with that hope and throughout those couple of weeks I prayed and the Lord revealed scripture of hope/miracles, etc. and I was also in a lot of pain and I thought well this is it.  After my two week wait came the day of reckoning the day I find out the results to be negative and I was crushed.  I questioned the Lord leading me on to believe a lie? I asked him why he has forsaken me? I asked what have I done to deserve this? All the typical questions, then I got an email that day from an infertility support chain and it was talking about the Lord’s timing for your children how the Lord has ordained my children to play a special role in this world for a special time and how if it was too soon or too late his will would not be done.  Then I was like wow!  I don’t know the Lord’s plan for my children, but he does.  The writer of email was talking about how if John the Baptist was born in Sarah’s youth how he couldn’t present the Messiah the way he did.  I am not claiming my children will present the Messiah but it puts things of God’s timing in perspective.  I say this to tell you friends that don’t give up on the Lord if now is not “His Time”, by the way I am speaking to myself when I say these things, but keep the faith that you haven’t done anything wrong or he doesn’t love you less because your answer is not now.  Would I be the same person if I didn’t have gone thru this NO?  I have such a heart for hurting women that are going thru this and I hope my testimony of not giving up will encourage them to keep trusting in the Lord always.  I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have my Lord, Jesus comforting me, using others to speak verbal words that were ordained by him just when I needed it. 

My yes may not be today or tomorrow but it will be one day and I will rejoice in the miracle the Lord will bestow on my family.  I hope my children will know they are special to my husband and I and more importantly the Lord cause the devil sure wanted to discourage us when the world said it’s not possible. 

I am going to praise him now for what is ahead.

-AMEN-

Meet Fana

Meet Fana!  It is amazing to see how the Lord can work even though you have no clue until all of the pieces come together and it all makes perfect sense.  Sunday at our church, Northstar (which we love by the way) we had an organiztion introducing us to a ministry called Bethany Christian Services.  Their current push is to unite families in Knoxville, TN with children in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia.  At first I was thinking they were looking for people to start seeking adoption and at that point my mind was interested but my heart tells me to continue our steps in starting fertility treatments at this time.  There are lots of people I know that want nothing more than to adopt but my heart was never there and the Lord has never spoke to me about doing that.  The Lord though I think has different plans for the future. 

We heard the presentation and found out that they were looking for sponsorship for these children so they can have basis necessities like food, shelter, clothing, healthcare, education and most importantly be ministered thru this Christian Organization and learn about Jesus and how much he loves them.  The Lord started pricking my selfish heart and said that this is something he wants for our family to contribute to.  Well I never told Terrance I wanted to participate but I prayed and asked the Lord if this is something he wants for us he would move Terrance towards wanting to do this.  Immediately after the service without me saying a word Terrance went to the table and picked up this precious little girl, Fana.  We are so excited to be contributing to her and help her to have a future and for her to get to learn about Jesus as her Savior.  We are so excited to welcome her in our family and we can't wait to start interacting with her.  Even though we haven't met this cutie we can't stop thinking about her wondering what she is like, what she does on a daily basis, and what her life has been like.  We are praying for the Lord's protection on her life and pray that the Lord will use her. 

We will see where the Lord will lead us but all I can say is that he is good, faithful, and knows what is best always.  More updates will come on Fana when we hear from her. 

A couple of funny things Terrance says that her and I look alike because I have big hair too and that he could picture me taking her picture and telling her to show her teeth cause that is the way I am with pictures and I always fuss at him for that.  :)  Also it says on her info about her that she likes math, and wants to be a bank manager pointing out, "that's where all the money is" .  She sounds like Terrance.  :)  This little 8 year old has our heart already. 

To learn more about sponsorship or adoption you can check out bethany at www.bethanyonefamily.org/knoxville

God Bless~Stephanie

Peace

"Your name is a strong and mighty tower,
Your name is a shelter like no other,
Your name, let the nations sing it louder,
Cause nothing has the power to save,
But Your name"

I am here today about 1 1/2 months away from starting fertility treatments and for the most part I have the Lord's peace but the devil is wanting to play his part with my mind.  I would ask that my friends continue to lift us up in your prayers when you think of us because I know the Lord is up to something big and I don't want the devil to have any type of glory in making me question that. 
Today I was catching up on my daily devotionals and it was amazing the theme they all followed.

" I (the Lord) am involved in every moment of your life.  I have carefully mapped out every inch of your journey thru this day, even though much of it may feel haphazard I am in control."
Paraphrased from Psalm 18:30 and Isiah 41:13

"Relax in my healing, holy presence.  Be still, while I transform your heart and mind.  Let go of the cares and worries, so that you can receive my Peace." 
Paraphrased from Psalm 46:10 and 1 John 3:2


I think the Lord is trying to tell me something, ok Lord I will rest in you.

Also I would also ask for your prayers for a good friend of mine that is currently doing invitro, which I believe is for the final time and pray for the Lord's touch.  She desperatly wants children and the Lord knows her and her husband's heart. 

You know I never dreamed back when I first got married that this would be my journey.  I have always wanted children and I thought it would easy since everyone in my family has had no issues so naturally it should be easy for me.  Then when the doctor tells you otherwise I felt desperate because the only way it will happen is if the Lord intervenes and he may chose to use a doctor to assist or he may do it on his own.  You never know how you would feel or what you would do have unless you have experienced this for yourself  .  I have heard some criticize invitro or other methods of assisting in pregnancy but my feelings on this is the Lord allowed the doctors this knowledge and he is the ONLY ONE that can make it happen, a doctor can only do so much but the Lord is the one that breaths life in that child.  I see this as being no different than going to the doctor to help with an illness. 

I am firm believer in the Lord' s perfect plan and I am seeing it unfold and I am very excited but I know one thing this journey has caused me to be a different person.  A more compassionate person for other women and I pray the Lord continues to use me to minister for his glory.

~God Bless,
Stephanie

Thankful

Wow, what a difference a year has made its almost been a year ago that we went for the first time to the fertility doctor to find out why we haven't had success and a year later we are making plans on when our medical procedures will be done to assist in getting us pregnant.  This has probably been one of the most draining years of my life and my faith has definitely been tested but has it been worth it?  I would say yes I have learned in an amazing way that my life is in the Lord's hands and that he has the most perfect plan for our family to grow and we are being used as a tool to spread his name and praise in the end when we are able to present to him a child or children and call it a miracle by the Lord.  Can I say I am not scared? Well of course I am, but I have an amazing amount of trust that this is the way the Lord ordained us to have children and he will allow it to happen one way or another.  I firmly believe that things do not happen by chance but that they are a part of a bigger plan ordained by the Lord.  Also I learned that life does not happen the way we think it should and just hold true to your faith the Lord knows your heart in everything and a better day is coming even though it seems very dark and lonely at that low time in your life.  This can be applied to all things and not just in fertility issues.

On a side note I do have to say that I was blessed this past mother’s day as difficult as it could have been I know I had a ton of friends and family praying for me and I received the sweetest texts from various friends telling me that and you don’t know how much that meant to me.  I am truly blessed and thankful all at the same time.  The Lord used my friends as a reminder this year of his love and that he hasn't forgotten me.  One day when I have my children I don't want to forget any of this and remember these feelings and struggles and help others, otherwise why are we still here on this earth other than to help in leading people to the ultimate healer, Christ?  I encourage everyone reading this to reflect on their own life and realize that there are lots of hurting people whether it be physically, spiritually, mentally, and see how you can be a blessing in their life because of what you may have been thru could be a testimony to them. 

God Bless,

~Steph

2 Corinthians 2:14-But thanks be to God, who always leads us as captives in Christ’s triumphal procession and uses us to spread the aroma of the knowledge of him everywhere.

Mother's Day

Ok raw emotion coming thru.  The dreaded day of Mother’s Day is quickly approaching and my heart is once again sad.  When I planned my life many years ago I saw myself married and that this point done having children not still waiting to have them and knowing that  you can’t get pregnant naturally, but only thru a medical procedure.  My heart’s desire is to be pregnant by this time next year and that is what I feel will happen thru the Lord’s help, but what if we are still in a holding pattern at that point trying to figure out the next step?  I know the Lord has helped me thus far with this process and he will continue to lift me until his most perfect plan is revealed but how long is that?  My ladies in my support group, which mean the world to me by the way, we were talking last night about how much easier it would be if the Lord just showed us the end result reassuring us that a child is in our future, but that is not how the Lord works.  He has this thing call trust him with your hopes and dreams and he knows the desires of your heart.  Daily the devil tries to make me doubt in the Lord’s abilities and likes to make me doubt his mercy for me, but I keep turning this over to the Lord asking for his help.  I am not going to give up because I truly feel in my soul that the Lord is about to bless us with children.  I can’t explain the peace he gives me but I know it will come.  My heart and soul are not giving up!
 

As a reminder to you mother’s out there love on your children no matter how bad or good they have been and know there are people like me who would love to be a mother and be blessed like you have been.  Children are a gift from the Lord. 

I hope you all have a Happy Mother’s Day and love on your Mother’s on the 13^th.

 
God Bless~Stephanie

My Love

I want to dedicate this day to my sweet husband, Terrance.  We had our first date 8 years ago the first of April and everyday that I am with him I love him more and more.  He is a hard worker, passionate, loves to help others, always wants to do what’s fair, great malti-poo daddy, wonderful husband, and a man that wants to follow Christ.  The Lord has been molding him in to the man that he has planned him to be and I can’t wait to see how he will be as a Father.  Last Sunday at church our preacher taught on the marriage and followed it with renewing our vows and of course we did.  Forever is what you get with us and I look forward to growing old with him.  I love you Terrance.

One of the prods that moved me towards blog

Well one of the prods that got me to write this blog is I was on msn the other day and I read this article about the non-talked about subject of infertility and found this great webpage with videos.  The videos are of movie stars as well as everyday people telling there story.  A story that needs to be told so other women can know they are not alone.  Here is a link for the site. 
http://www.redbookmag.com/health-wellness/advice/infertility-video-series#v1211445025001

God Bless~Stephanie

Where I am today

Where I am today is in a good place.  At this point I am working on preparing my body by making better eating habits and exercise.  I am really trying to focus on me physically and spiritually speaking.  I am not working on any projects which has been a nice change and I am working on getting Stephanie in a calm state which I haven't been in a long time.  I am currently doing a bible study called, "Captivating" and it has been helping me see what the Lord calls us to be as a woman and I am truly enjoying my quiet time with the Lord. 

Earlier this year the devil tried to shed doubt in my mind and say, "What if it doesn't work?"  well after praying about this the Lord turned this around for me and said "What if it does work?" So that is what I am focusing on.  I have a huge goal ahead of me but with the Lord's help and my husband working right beside me we can do this together.  We are looking at possibly doing invitro some time later this year depending on where we are in our life and yes I am scared but I know the Lord has sustained me this long and he will see me thru.  The invitro process will be a very intense process but once again the Lord will be right beside me holding my hand. 

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of our mercies and God of all comfortt, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction wth the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God."

Isiah 40:31 "Those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary."

Phillipians 4:6-7 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hears and your minds in Christ Jesus

God Bless~Stephanie

Protection of your heart

Some of the things I have learned thru this process is that the devil likes chaos and when you are having infertility issues it causes chaos.  One of the most important things to do is to get grounded in the word of God and lots of prayers.  I found that is the only thing that has helped me thus far and there would be many times that I would hear from a friend or family member not knowing what I am feeling that day say "the Lord had you on my heart and I have been praying for you."  You do not know how that makes me feel knowing the Lord has not abandoned me he is reminding me daily that he knows my heart and will heart that brokenness of it.  Also secondly guard your marriage.   I can't say enough about that the devil likes to use this as a wedge and as this time it may even be good to speak to a counselor.  Infertility is hard and as a woman we are emotional and for a man they want to fix and with this they can't fix so it get tough in your marriage.  I have to say that we had our ups and downs but we are closer now than ever and I love my husband dearly for putting up with an emotional mess that I have been for the past couple of years.  Repeat love on each other more than ever and be on guard because marriages are under attack and with a biggie like this protect it with the Holy Spirit wrapped around your home.  Also my friend recommended a website for me to check out called Sarah's Laughter www.sarahs-laughter.com/ and I am subscribed to a daily email of encouragement and they also have a great bible study too that I am doing.  Lastly I have found a support group in my area for infertility and it has been great because I can go there and talk to other women about how I feel or what tests are being done, etc. and they understand exactly what I am going thru.  One thing I have learned is that people don't really understand what you are going thru unless they too have been thru infertility and when I would participate in that group I no longer felt alone and I knew that there are other women that have the same feelings as me that truly understand the pain and we all get to love on each other. 

The Lord is good always ~Stephanie

Snapshot of my journey thus far

Romans 6:13b "Surrender your whole being to him to be used for righteous purposes."
This blog is my praise blog and it will detail my heart leading to the blessing of children that I know the Lord will bless Terrance and I with one day.  This journey did not start here but now that we know what our roadblocks are I am relying on the Lord more than I have ever before.  This journey started almost 7 years ago when Terrance and I got married and we agreed we would have children once we got out of debt because we had founded our marriage on Dave Ramsey's financial principles.  We thought out plans would work out just that way or so we thought...Then after about 4 years of marriage we decided to start trying and nothing was happening.  All of my friends and family would say, "relax, just give it time, do this, or buy this predictor kit," let's just say nothing would work.  I was very frustrated and I knew that something had to be wrong because getting pregnant was not coming easy for me.  I ended up getting a new OBGYN doctor and she then said it is time for me to see a specialist in fertility and see what is causing this.  At this point I was thinking surely nothing it wrong and it just hasn't happened but then we went and the bomb was dropped.  We were told that the likelyhood of us getting pregnant would be under 5% naturally speaking and that more than likely the only way we would get pregnant is thru invitro.  Talk about a sucker punch to the stomach.  At this point invitro was very foreign to me the only thing I knew was that my insurance would not pay for it and it was a very expensive procedure.  I then went into panic mode.  Fortunately I have precious family and friends and they too had friends that had been given this as their only option and I was able to get Christian counseling thru them as well as I sought professional Christian counseling and it really helped put my heart back on a solid foundation.  I also sought the Lord and asked if this is his will for us that he would provide the funds somehow for us to be able to do this procedure or show us what we are supposed to do.  Well in a nut shell he has provided the money and for that I am so thankful for and we hope to do this before the end of the year.  This is just the overall picture of what our story is.  This snapshot does not show all of the many days and nights of crying and hurting because I am sewing a baby item for a baby shower or how do I make it thru another Mother's Day knowing that once again I am not a mother even though I desperately want to be? I remember one time a couple of years ago I was asking the Lord to speak to me and give me a sign and he did thru a sermon that I went to.  I'll never forget it the sermon was titled, "When we feel God is delayed."  I can't tell you how many times I felt that way but I know my trial in my life was meant for me and that the Lord knows my heart and desires and will allow his perfect will to be done in his time. 
Sorry my writings are long I have a lot on my heart that the Lord wants me to get out.
                                                          God Bless~Stephanie

Stronger

While on this journey I was pretty down one day and I had on Klove and the Lord used this song to minister to my soul and it has become my survivor song.  The song is "Stronger" by Mandisa and below are the words: 

Hey heard you were up all night
thinking about how your world ain’t right
and you’re wondering if things will never get better
And you’re asking
Why is it always raining on you
When all you want is just a little good news
Instead of being there stuck out in the weather
Don’t sink your head
It’s gonna end
God’s right there
Even if it’s hard to see Him
I promise You that He’s still there
When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger
Stronger
The pain ain’t gonna last forever
Things can only get better
Believe me this is gonna make you
Gonna make you stronger Oh-oh-oh
Stronger Oh-oh-oh
Stronger Oh-oh-oh
Believe me this is gonna make you
Try and do the best you can
Hold on and let me hold your hand
Go on and fall into the arms of Jesus
Oh
Lift your head
It’s gonna end
God’s right there
Even when you just can’t feel Him
I promise you that He still can
When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger
Stronger
The pain ain’t gonna last forever
Things can only get better
Believe me this is gonna make you stronger
‘Cuz if He’s strong in His Word
He’ll be faithful to complete it
He’s strong when you believe
He knows how much it hurts and
For sure he’s gonna help you get through this
In time, it’s gonna get better
Believe me Believe me
Hold on just a little bit longer
The pain ain’t gonna last forever
It’s only gonna make you stronger

Finally giving in to the Lord

Well after much prodding from the Lord I have decided to start blogging on my journey thru infertility and hopefully thru this blog help someone else that may be going this and give them encouragement.  I know that by doing a blog on this matter I am putting myself out there for the world to see but my thought is that if the Lord is getting the glory from others seeing him work in my own heart then that is worth every tear that has been shed in my own experience.  Since I have had a lot to happen over the past couple of years with this I will break it up into pieces so it will be easier to read vs. one big long post because I like to talk and have a lot to say on this matter.  This blog is not meant for self-gratification in anyway nor is it a way for me to vent this is my true heart to be seen and hopefully it will touch someone out there that may not even be dealing with infertility but have their own trial that they are working thru with the Lord's help and give them hope for tomorrow. 

God Bless ~ Stephanie

Welcome

Well this is my first time to do something like this but I am excited to see how the Lord will use this blog for me to connect to my friends and family. Just to give you a background of me I am married to my sweetie Terrance for going on 7 years and we have 2 five year old Maltipoos Maggie and Mavrick. They have been a great addition to our family and couldn't imagine our life without this little stinkers. We are also on a 3 year journey to try to have children and it has been quite an adventure to say the least. The Lord has hand on this and I am trusting that he is working it in his time.