Transparency

Do you ever feel that sometimes you just exist to just complete the next task on your list or to make it thru another day and you are having a hard time finding true joy in  your life?  Guilty!   Guilty!  Guilty!

Here recently the devil has been working on me telling me I’m not good enough because I’m not a mother and I catch myself feeling not necessary to my family, friends, etc.  I am sure I’m not the only person that has felt this way.  Acceptance is something we all want but we feel we have to prove our worth whether it be doing good deeds for others, posting on FB to make others think we are good, but are we truly showing who we really are or is it a pretend someone?  Why do we feel that we can’t be our true self in front of others?   Guilty!  Guilty!  Guilty!

Transparent is something that I want to be to people and for them to see the real me.  The true me who loves the Lord, but struggles with my walk at times, the true me who doesn’t have my house clean all the time, but I do try my best.  The true me likes to have fun but sometimes I take myself too seriously and plan everything to death.  The Lord loves us for the way we are not the women we think we need to be to make others accept us.  For me personally this has been the toughest year spiritually speaking and I have questioned God’s love so many times that I can’t count.  I have also been angry at him and questioned what I have done wrong and what am I supposed to do to earn this gift that some people take for granted!  I am learning so much about faith though and that it is what is getting me thru this trial.  I am learning how much he loves me and that I can’t earn his love or bargain with him for my dreams that I think I need right now when he knows the future.  He wants us just the way we are broken and unmolded and he wants to mold us for his plan not ours.   For me I keep going back to the Lord’s divine appointment and how my children, whichever way they come, are destined to be on this earth not too early or too late but God’s perfect timing.   

 All of us have tragedy and struggles and things the devils works on our hearts with.  I am speaking to myself and you all when I say this We Matter! You matter not only to me, but you matter to the Lord.  He wants us to realize how realize how important we are to building his kingdom.  After we become one of his children he wants us to witness his love to others and to be a light to the dark world that is unsaved.  We are here for such a bigger purpose. 

This new year I want this year to not be about my dreams of being a mother but about God’s plan and what role he wants me to play for his kingdom.  I also want to encourage you all to do the same and take the time to have that quiet time with him and build a deeper, closer walk with him.   Honestly our only true peace is thru him and his plans are bigger and better than what we can plan for our life.  My pastor is doing a sermon series on “The Journey” and how the Lord is constantly working all around us and he wants us to join him. The Lord will not force us to join him, but we have to be willing and aware of his presence and seek his wisdom with his perfect plan.  True spiritual satisfaction is what I desire for myself and with that I will be a better person, wife, sister, daughter, and friend.  Satisfaction found in the Lord is better than any satisfaction found on this wicked earth that is so temporary.

I love you all dearly and ask for your prayers that the Lord will fill my void with himself and believe with me that  he will one day provide us with a family that Terrance and I so desire to have.